


Flyting > Fighting

by ToBebbanburg



Category: The Last Kingdom (TV)
Genre: I mean language and rhythm is totally not period accurate, but who cares when this is essentially just a viking rap battle, its flyting time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24878602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToBebbanburg/pseuds/ToBebbanburg
Summary: Uhtred and his men are DRUNK and decide to honour that most noble of Viking traditions: the rap battle. Absolute nonsense.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 18
Collections: The Last Kingdom Fanfic Fest





	Flyting > Fighting

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a warm-up for TLK Fanfic Fest on tumblr, based off this prompt: Coccham crew get drunk and start flyting against each other

Danes, Finan had come to discover, had a taste for the theatrical. There was the hair, of course, and the penchant for bone jewellery, but there was also the gleeful way in which they escalated even the slightest issue into something worth writing ballads about. A dispute over a missing dagger could end up with the involved parties making the square, and a simple game of tug-of-war would see flowery insults fly as if words alone could cut down an opponent. It was during one night of drinking and revelry that Finan was introduced to a favoured pastime of Uhtred’s people: flyting.

“So, they just insult each other?” Finan asked Osferth as the men in the crowded hall pushed tables aside in order to clear a circle in the centre of the room.

“In rhyme, yes, until one of them can’t respond. It’s normally outrageous lies- insulting each other’s mothers, that sort of thing.”

“And then they fight?”

“Oh no, there’s no fighting. Just a lot of shouting. It’s a nice change, really. Have you really never seen them do this before?” Osferth asked curiously.

“I’ve normally left to find a woman by now, truth be told.” Finan said honestly. He would have done so tonight, only the few women in the town they stayed in all appeared to be nuns. It was a strange town.

“Who will challenge me?” Uhtred bellowed, walking into the centre of the circle with a large mug of mead in his hands. He slammed the mead down on the only table left in the clearing and spread his arms out, daring one of his men to come forward.

“The mead’s for the winner.” Osferth leant over to tell Finan as the crowed cheered and stamped their feet. Sihtric had just stepped forward- or rather, been pushed into the centre by Clapa, but spurred on by the applause squared up to Uhtred. Uhtred held up his hands for silence, then gracefully gestured for Sihtric to start first. Sihtric appeared to think for a moment before he started:

“Uhtred! Prepare, for tonight we will fight  
Not with swords but with rhymes, and insults that bite  
You may think you’re tough and you may think you’re brave  
But you weren’t tough enough to avoid being enslaved”

There were a few scattered cheers at that, but Uhtred raised his voice so he could be heard over them.

“Shut your mouth, Sihtric, you’re little more than a boy  
So let the adults do the fighting and go play with your toys  
An axe as your weapon? I think a rattle instead  
My grandma could fight better: and she’s long dead”

“You’re a lord of nothing, nowhere, no one  
Where’re you going to go when the fighting is done?  
Will you head to the north, and retake Bebbanburg?  
Take Gisela with you- when we’re all finished bedding her”

“Let’s settle the score:  
Your wife is a whore  
Lying there on the floor  
Always begging for more  
I’ve been there before-  
She had tusks like a boar”

Uhtred altered the flow of his words in an attempt to throw Sihtric off, and the younger man did indeed flounder at the unexpected change. He started to say something then stopped, raising his hands in defeat. Uhtred pulled him in for a hug, then sent him back to join the circle of men with a rather forceful slap on the arse.

“I thought flyting was supposed to involve lying, and that was the cold hard truth.” Finan loudly whispered to Osferth as he laughed at Sihtric’s defeat. Uhtred noticed Finan talking and turned on him, a glint in his eye.

“Finan! Do you have something to say?  
I see you there, coward, hiding away  
Will you spar with me now, or are you scared of my wit?  
I’ll slay you with ease, because you’re not worth shit”

Finan grinned and took Sihtric’s place inside the circle, bowing deeply in mock reverence to Uhtred. He was quick with words and enjoyed riling Uhtred up, so flyting seemed to be made perfectly for him. He cleared his throat then began:

“I gave you my oath, once, I gave you my word  
And I’ll give you more now; just three: you’re a turd  
A turd with a sword, despised by his king  
You’re little more than a puppet: Alfred’s arseling”

“You speak cutting words, I’ll repay in kind  
Finan the Agile? In body, not in mind  
Can’t think for yourself, you’re dull as a ditch  
You follow my orders: you’re Lord Uhtred’s bitch”

“You think my presence is all about you?  
I’m here as I have nothing better to do  
I’m here to drink ale, and I don’t mean to shock:  
But I’d never serve a man with so tiny a cock”

A great cheer went up at that, drowning out whatever Uhtred was planning to say next. He laughed, and inclined his head towards Finan in respect.

“How can I compete against such words?” He lifted the large victor’s mug of mead from the table and carried it over, stopping just short of passing it to Finan. “Though if any man here doubts the size of my cock, I am more than happy to put those doubts to rest.” He turned round to address his men, several of whom jeered and promised to show him their own cocks.

“Just give him the mead, Lord!” Sihtric called from the crowd, prompting another laugh from the men. Uhtred shrugged, grinning as he ceremoniously passed the ridiculously sized mug to Finan.

Finan drank deeply, raising the mug in triumph when he had had his fill, then passed it back to Uhtred who also took a long drink. It was customary for the victor to encourage the loser to drink with him, and as Sihtric had in turn been defeated by Uhtred he was pulled up to join them and allowed to finish the mug.

As they moved out of the circle to allow the next pair of men to step forward, Finan set his sights on Osferth and headed over to him, aggressively throwing his arms around the slighter man’s shoulders.

“Next time baby monk.” Finan breathed in his ear. “Me and you. Be prepared.”

“Oh Finan.” Osferth managed to untangle himself from the drunken embrace to meet Finan’s eyes. “I’ve already won.”

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't get the last line of Sihtric's first verse to scan and it's KILLING me.


End file.
